Yahoo, I took 24 hours and wrote down the subject lines for the email in my spam folder. It is amazing that spam can exist these days given that the subject line pretty much gives it away. People really don’t request this stuff, let alone respond to them do they? What to do with all these spam messages…well, how about if this was really representative of my life?
Yeah, this is my (fictional) life, through spam!
The Story (Fiction)
Life around here has been pretty difficult as of late. I am broke and have very little education, the car has problems, I am homeless, and my girlfriend decided last week that she just didn’t want to be with me any longer. Luckily, I have been able to get lots of help with all my problems. I don’t know if it is divine intervention or not, but my email seems to offer a solution to all my problems without me ever having to solicit help.
I decided to get a free psychic reading to see if all this unsolicited help would benefit me in the long run. She said my life in the near future would turn around and I would be well on my way to success. She said specifically, “You’ll get an education and a new job that will allow you to find a place to live, buy a car and keep it running, and find new love in my life.” Good thing I went to see her first!
First, an education seemed like a priority but I didn’t have any money. One offer in my email stood out, I could get a government grant for cash. I assume this will be a large grant since the government is flush with cash and gives it away regularly. With four separate offers for $2500 loans (that totals $10,000 right?), an offer for an instant $6500 loan, and another offer for an instant approval of $5000, I am now flush with cash myself and able to afford that education I have wanted for so long. All of those loans, a government grant, and an offer for a Kaplan University Scholarship will get me the education I deserve!
Education has done wonders for me. I was depressed, but no longer! The antidepressants that I was taking never really worked and now they are no longer needed. So, i sued them for selling me ineffective drugs. My email gave me great advice since there were two anti-depressant lawsuits I could join. As it turns out, others were not happy with their results either.
Now that I am educated, I need a job. So I found one with the help of an email titled, “Jobs in my area.” Sure enough, there were all kinds of jobs waiting to be filled! Some that needed specific skills and some that needed no skill at all. I applied for all that needed skills since I was being educated at Kaplan University. I mean, after all, I am now qualified for everything but why get a low paying job. That is WAY below me. Good thing there are all those nice people out there fighting for a minimum wage of $15 an hour. That way the losers will have something to do too!
Can’t get to work without a car, so I bought one now that I have a high paying job. Of course, there are all kinds of things with a car that takes money, like insurance. Insurance costs a lot of money and if you are a good driver you rarely have to use it, so it shouldn’t cost so much. I had two emails offering cheap auto insurance; I bought two for good measure. You never know when you might need it. The dealership recommended that I buy an extended warranty for the car since the manufacturer isn’t really reliable with all those recalls and whatnot. I said no, but luckily there were four extended warranty offers for my car in the email. That really saved me! Plus, who doesn’t like free stuff once in a while. Low and behold, a free oil change was waiting for me in the inbox as well. Life is great.
Sometimes life can be confusing too. I had an email after I bought my car that said, “Lead generator.” Obviously this was spam, because who knew there was a shortage of lead? If it wasn’t about the shortage of lead, then who would want a really heavy generator in their car? That isn’t very good for gas mileage and I need to save money not waste it. I deleted that one right away. I mean, I am not going to click on something that wasn’t intended for me and might contain a virus or something else intended to harm me. Also, there was an email for cheap life insurance. I am young, who needs that stuff? Besides, there is no one to give the money to since I don’t have kids or a significant other. That one went straight to the trash folder as well.
Next, my homelessness needed to be solved. Luckily that was also easily solved by my email! I checked out the two emails on home foreclosures and found several that met me needs. However, I am running short on funds since I just bought a car, got an education, and have to commute to a job. So, I got a reverse mortgage for seniors. I am not sure how I qualify as a “senior” because I am only in my early 40s, but they sent me an email so it was their mistake. As it turns out, they pay me to own the home! I guess the joke is on them! After I got my house I needed to fill it with cool stuff, so I waited for a pre-approval notice for an account to a store I don’t visit often, but hey what the heck! I also got a new visa card and opened a Khols account. I spent to my max, let me tell you. Now I had a big new TV to watch, along with all the clothes, furnishings, and appliances my little heart desired. The new TV was even better when I figured out how to get cheap cable.
The last and probably most difficult problem was yet to be handled. I had to get my girlfriend back. The gift card to Victoria Secret for filling out a survey was a good start. She loved that place! But wait, what is this? I didn’t need her back. There are tons of other options I could use. Besides, I didn’t really like her that much anyway. As it turns out, there are lonely moms waiting for dates or Russian brides waiting for someone to rescue them from behind the “iron curtain.” Those are two great options, but it seems a bit random and a little risky. How do I know if they will want me le alone like me? Maybe the email from EHarmony is a better option. At least then I will know the person really likes me! Now is as good a time as any to prepare for the future so I watched a seduction video aid and read an article on a stealth seducer. It seemed like good advice, but everyone knows that the ladies really only care about one thing, forget romance and intimacy. I’m not going to fail on that one since there were three emails on how to get powerful erections. Good thing the Canadians have figured out how to offer drugs for this. The two emails from Canadian pharmacy – Viagra/Cialis offering significant discounts was my solution. Now, I am set for relationship success!
Life now is a picnic. My email offered solutions to all my problems and solved them quite nicely. More people should pay closer attention to this stuff. Their lives would be MUCH better…
The Tale of Two Accounts
How often do you look in your spam folder? How much do you pay attention to it? Maybe I am a little odd and maybe not, but I look in my spam folder every day! I look in the spam folder every day to make sure there isn’t something there that doesn’t belong there. Three out of every five days I have to rescue an email that was delivered to the wrong folder. Poor little email.
Algorithms. I completely know or understand how they work, but I know they have something to do with math (something I am not good at). I also know they have something to do with a computer’s brain. I think. But really, it doesn’t matter. I just know that when I send an email it somehow ends up getting to where I want it to go most of the time. The intended recipient lets me know one way or another that they got it. However, I am not sure what algorithms are being used when it comes to the spam folder. I have several email addresses and I watch the spam folders for all of them. Honestly, I don’t know what Google is doing with their Gmail, but it is miles ahead of Yahoo.
I have had my Yahoo email address for many years now and there has been a continual flow of spam emails. They have gotten much better at getting into the spam folder and not in my actual inbox. Remember those days when you had to actually put all that mail into the trash? Yeah, me too. Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining then, but I can’t help it. My Yahoo account spam folder typically has about 50-80 spam messages in it every 24 hours. My question is why? Why is there any spam in it at all?
I have two Gmail accounts, one for work and one for personal use. Google does a phenomenal job at getting the spam into the spam folder! I very rarely see an email that I wasn’t intended to see. However, where Google has taken the cake is in the spam prevention. Their algorithm actually works! In a typical week, between the two accounts I have, I usually only have a total of seven messages in the spam folders. Seven. So, Google, what are you doing that makes you so much better than Yahoo?
Ok, I don’t really want the answer. I just want to say “Thank you.”