Directions You’re Gonna Regret


Every had one of those moments where you decide to follow the directions and then instantly regret it?

The image above shows the directions I followed, which I instantly regretted. Why? They seem relatively straight forward, right?

Not exactly. If you were paying attention, the food is contained within a pouch. The problem is the pouch. The food literally does not need to be cooked in the pouch. But, you decide to follow the directions anyway. So, as a result, one wouldn’t think to cover the top of the pouch…I can see that lightbulb flickering…you are starting to get it…because while to food is in the pouch there is no convenient way to cover the top of the pouch with something that will keep the now heating food from exploding all over the inside of the microwave. POP! SNAP! CRACKLE, CRACKLE, BOOM!

So the written instructions on the back of the food product would more accurately read:

  1. Tear or cut open pouch.
  2. Microwave on HIGH (100% power) for 45-60 seconds. Microwave ovens vary; heating times may need to be adjusted.
  3. Wait for “fireworks” noises to be heard over the humming of the microwave.
  4. If you live dangerously, wait for the time on the microwave to expire and you hear the beep or ding. If you don’t like to live dangerously, curse loudly and pull open microwave door immediately.
  5. Remove pouch from microwave while surveying the messy damage. If you like burnt fingertips, grab anywhere and throw in a little squeeze for kicks; otherwise, carefully grab a small corner at the top edge of the pouch.
  6. Empty remaining content of pouch into a bowl or onto a plate. If the pouch is lighter than when you put it into the microwave, deposit pouch directly into the garbage.
  7. While cursing or muttering under your breath, grab cleaning supplies (we recommend all purpose cleaner and paper towels) and clean the entire inside of the microwave before the next co-worker needs to use it. Return cleaning supplies to proper location after use.
  8. If you are still hungry, ENJOY the small amount of remaining contents from the pouch. Remember, it may be hot (depending on how long it took you to clean the microwave) so use caution. If the remaining contents are not hot, please return them directly to the clean microwave and cover the dish with a paper towel.
  9. If you are not still hungry, return directly to work and try to be productive while your stomach growls all afternoon.

Here’s how it should read since the instructions are out of order or they left out a few steps:

  1. Tear or cut open pouch.
  2. Empty contents into a bowl or onto a plate.
  3. Microwave on HIGH (100% power) for 45-60 seconds. Microwave ovens vary; heating times may need to be adjusted.
  4. Enjoy.

There, now isn’t that better?



Do you have an example of when you followed the directions and then regretted it? Share in the comments below!

Where Do I Sign?

<center>Are those goodies for me?

Are those goodies for me?

Generally, I don’t complain about donuts. But we recently had a delivery in the school office that just got me in a mood to complain (after I had a donut first, of course). Apparently the Washington National Guard is so flush with cash it can afford to spend money on glossy graphics and donut boxes (maybe its good for other things too). Since when are donuts a recruiting tool? I mean, unless you are Homer Simpson, I am pretty sure you aren’t going to be convinced to sign on the dotted line just because someone brought donuts. I can only imagine the conversation:

Recruiter: How are you today? Would you like a donut? Do you want to talk about the possibilities the Washington National Guard could provide for you?

Potential Recruit: Donuts? Really?

R: Go ahead and have one. What kind do you like?

PR: Well, the one with colored sprinkles looks pretty good!

R: There you go. So, do you like adventure and helping people?

PR: Yeah, that’s cool. This is a good donut! Do people get to shoot guns and maybe get shot at too?

R: Sure, there is a possibility that could happen.

PR: Will there be more donuts?

R: I don’t know, but I am sure we can make that happen.

PR: Where do I sign?

There HAS TO BE better things to spend money on rather than specially made donut boxes. I just have to believe that this isn’t something they normally spend money on because if it is, I have to wonder how recruiting is going these days. It can’t be good, that is for sure.

Please, if you are going to join the armed forces (no matter what branch), don’t join because of donuts and a fancy graphic donut box. Otherwise, you might just be a Homer.